There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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