Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
