I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sorry my hands just texted you
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
