it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
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