I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
