her vagine was all disorganized.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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