I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
