I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I wear drunk well.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
