is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
