The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
