i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
no, he came in my armpit
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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