My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
