don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize