You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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