Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just gift wrapped bread.
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This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
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I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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