If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
