the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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