my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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