awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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