I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
