Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
