I wish my penis had an off switch
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
