he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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