Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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