No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
