If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
