that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
