my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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