True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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