there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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