Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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