I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How does one acquire holy water?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
