You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
