Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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