Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
