I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
