it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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