I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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