he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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