And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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