She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
