Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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