A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
