Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
