Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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