she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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