She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
