she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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