it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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