we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
