Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
