You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
