party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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