you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
