We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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