why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
