My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
