You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
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My breasts were aching with rage.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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