I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
