Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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