I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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