I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
