I seem to have left my pride at pride
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
