Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
