i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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